Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
