there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize