She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
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