actually, I'm a sock model
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
