3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The adults are the big ones right?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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