I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
