If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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