You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
