There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
