Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
