Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
