I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
