dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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