is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
