he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
