and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
