How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
