wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
