I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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