I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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