I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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