Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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