Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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