apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
whose ass print is on the piano?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
