can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
