I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I need a burrito and a hug.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
