so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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