apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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