I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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