just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
