I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
