dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
