I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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