i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
