You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
