I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize