I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
