you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
