david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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