I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I queefed so loud it echoed.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
