Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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