Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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