i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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