i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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