I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
