just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
