my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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