Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
