Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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