i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Randomize
