His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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