The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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