my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
