She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
