Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
